27 November

It scares me when I evaluate myself and I think that I’m okay.

I don’t want to feel like I’m okay. Because I know I  am not. I am sinful by nature, and when I think that there’s nothing wrong, it’s only my heart being calloused and used to the wrong things in me. It’s scary. And I don’t like it. I want to be on my knees again, desperate and humbled by the discipline of a Father who is not content with my current state, who cares about my character. I want to be crying out for things that I know only God can give me and do for me. I want to be shaken yet sanding firm, losing but gaining much, suffering yet rejoicing, in pain yet praising the Lord.

Lately, I have been checking out answered prayers. They have been so many, praise God! And I am more than thankful because the Lord has been so good to me.

Yet the other night, there was a terrible disquiet in my heart. I needed to be alone to search my heart and ask God what he wanted to say to me. In my spirit, I already had an idea what God was going to tell me. But when he confirmed it with the Word, spoke so powerfully to my heart, I was on my knees, weeping, because God was telling me so many things that hurt.

This was the answer to my prayer. God is not allowing me to be complacent, to be okay with things that are not okay with him. It was painful, like always. When the Lord rebukes, it is never pleasant. But at that moment–and even now–I felt so blessed and privileged, because I knew that God was indeed treating me like his own child. Now, what did I do to deserve such special treatment? How did I become worthy of such love? It is so humbling because I was being shown my unfaithfulness to the Lord and yet not ever, even in my shortcomings, did God fail to be faithful to me. I could say nothing except the Lord is good. He is always good. He is always faithful.

I thank God that I have things to be desperate about and prayers that are impossible. I thank God because his grace exists, and not only does it exist, it abounds and is sufficient for me. I thank God because he always gives me opportunity to see the impossible happen, his power work wonders in my life and in the lives of the people around me. I thank God because he said in his Word that he is going to complete the good work he has started in me. I thank God because he calls me his daughter, and he delights in causing me to grow, blessing me in every way I need to be blessed. I have a wonderful Father.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

-1 Peter 5:6